11 June 2009

The Process Continues...

So, racing through my head were thoughts of:
* paying a mortgage while I live in CA
* continuing to pay that mortgage while in Kenya
* finding a roommate to help off-set that huge expense
* paying for Kenya {flights, rent, water, food}
* never leading a small group again if I'm gone during the fall of every school year
* missing the adjustment time for students entering Jr. High, High School and College
* maintaining friendships on either side of the world

And so many more...

I spent a lot of time thinking about this...wondering...probably worrying...

How could Kenya be the right move if it really upsets life here so much? I think I actually said, "It can't be God's plan for me to feel so uncomfortable for half of the year."

But then I see the faces, hear the sweet voices, remember the laughter and I think, how could I think about not returning? In the ache of my heart, I know that I am so excited to be in that world again.

The funny part about God is, in all of my doubting this week, He's been so consistent {as He is always.} He's been maneuvering people, conversations, Bible verses, books in my path to confirm that Kenya is definitely still a something in His plan for my life.

He's also been reiterating the ever-difficult-to-stomach truth:
This life is not for me...not for my pleasure...not for my fading goals {have a house, fall in love, be fun}...

It is, in reality, about His design...His plans...His love...His people...

And as much as I believe that and trust that, it sucks a little bit.

Because, as a selfish human, I want all of those things: I want to live here, in my fun community, and invest in the lives of the people who so desperately need Jesus here...I want to stick around here long enough to find someone to love, without first checking to see how he might feel about a split-life.

I walked in to work on Tuesday and found a post-it note which said Psalm 66. I thought someone had heard, or known of, my inner-wrestling and thought this might help, so I read it. It didn't really apply, but Psalm 67 is all about the ends of the Earth singing God's praise...{Turns out, the same post-it had been left on about 10 desks...but that's another story}

Then, watching an old Mariner's church service that Taffy had recommended, Tim Timmons read 2 Corinthians 11:3
"But I am afraid that just as Eve was deceived by the serpent's cunning, your minds may somehow be led astray from your sincere and pure devotion to Christ."

I get it. I'm human. And, if I am serious about following what I know God has placed in my heart to do, then I'm going back to Kenya...and I know, once I am there, most of this will fade and I will be at ease with knowing I am where God wants me to be...

I hope this will not be a traditional struggle...
Though, as I write this, I'm fairly certain it will...

3 comments:

Julie Hibbard said...

...and I am sure there are as many people in Kenya counting down the days til you return to them as there are people here counting down when you return to us. Actually, probably MORE over there!! :)
You are loved. You are in my prayers. Trust your instincts. They are most often God-inspired.

Our Tribe said...

That's a LOT to wrestle with.
It all makes sense.

And even living here, in the US, all year 'round, we Christians really live "split lives" too, don't we?
Between fun, social, worldly things and pursuits and "stuff" and culture and beauty and entertainment and ambition VS. Giving, generosity, holding things lightly, walking the extra mile, serving when we'd rather be watching the newest episode of our show, being other-centered.

Yours is certainly more obvious as you trek across the world!! But reading your post was a good reminder for me that it SHOULDN'T be so easy to live here... I SHOULDN'T be so comfortable... I should FEEL he agony of the "split" more every single day living here, as a stranger, in a foreign land.

xo

Luigi said...

:)

Sorry my poor english!

Just let it flow, and the questions will be resolve clearly. You have a brave (and beautiful) heart.