31 August 2008

Early Morning Thoughts

This morning, while getting ready, I decided to forgo the usual playlist on my iPod and listen to Hillsong. "Hosanna" was first. I was lip-synching along since everyone else in the room was still asleep. I had to stop what I was doing...I started crying...I know I have more of an attachment to that song than the average person does (and I'm not quite sure why), but I could not go on with my morning...

I've always known that the best way that I connect with God--the way that I best worship Him--is through song. Through singing, at the top of my lungs, songs with words that I find to be true in my life...words that I don't have to think about...I am actually saying these words because I know that I find them to be true, not just because they are part of the song and I'm going through the motions.

"Open up my eyes to the things unseen. Show me how to love like You have loved me. Break my heart for what breaks Yours. Everything I am for Your kingdom's cause."

"I will live to love You. I will live to sing Your praise. I will live, a child in awe of You"

"In my life be lifted high. In our world be lifted high. In our love be lifted high"

"Giving all I am to seek Your face. Lord, all I am is Yours"

"Take me as You find me, all my fear and failures. Fill my life again. I give You my life to follow everything I believe in. Now I surrender"

And I realized. This is one of the most difficult parts of this trip for me: not being able to fully worship God the way that I best know how. (I'm not saying that I can not worship God in any other way, this is a lesson I learned a few years ago...I just know that this is the best way for me.) Since I am in two houses with other people, I have to be respectful of their space and their quiet...they don't need to hear me sing at the top of my lungs. And since we are attending a Kenyan church, most of the songs are in Swahili, so I haven't figured out how to sing along yet. (Don't get me wrong, I love to dance and try to sing along...it's just not the same as standing with Taffy and being able to belt it out knowing that he's not holding back either.)

I'm not sure what to do with this...I guess I'll keep working on it...
But what I do know is this: I can't wait to get back to CA and sing with my friends there!


dianasaur said...

allison, it is so weird that you just posted this because i am going through a very similar situation at my school. we are opposites, however. for me, worshipping through song has always been hard, but at my school it is the most popular means of worship and the most available. i am finding myself stretched to worship in a way i am not comfortable, but it is in these difficult and pressing times that the Lord speaks to us the loudest. i encourage you to continue worshipping in the ways that you can, only good will come out of it.

Jaclyn Parker said...

oh man i cant wait for you to come back too!

Ange said...

Hey Allison,
This is a beautifully honest post...I can understand how you feel. I'm going to pray that you find a place/time to sing your heart out...and pray for your roommates to welcome it with open arms :) SING IT GIRL!